As someone who is in recovery from addictions, I have been doing major amounts of self-study. Many of you may not know this but I am in recovery from bulimia and even after years of therapy, I am very ashamed to admit this fact in public. In fact the Sexy Brilliant ™ Global Revolution was founded because I overcame my dating addiction. I will share more about the end of my arranged marriage and how I overcame my addictions in my soon to be released book.
Reverting back to the topic of filling the lonely hole, have you ever noticed that there is this place inside each of us that often seems to drive us to escapism from our problems and addictive behaviour. We do these things to hide from ourselves and what we don't want to face in the moment. There are so many examples of escapist behaviour to choose from in my own life.
So let's start with overeating and purging.
I love food. I love the way it smells, tastes, the different textures, heat, sweet, savoury, salty, crunchy, chewing etc... It is a sensual experience that captivates me, like a mini vacation. It is one of my forms of escapism!
Then the guilt, a.k.a toxic shame hits me right around the same time as the food coma starts. In those moments I feel fat and like a loser for not having any self-control. I look in the mirror and I am reminded that I will never be a tall thin bikini model but still somehow I feel like it’s my own fault! This is when the urge to purge is the strongest.
I grew up in a society and in a traditional family that believes that a woman has to be thin to beautiful. Beauty equates to the size of the body to be loveable and for the pleasure of men. A man can only be happy if he has a beautiful wife who cooks, cleans, makes babies and makes him look good.
If this belief is true or not, I somehow believed it to be true and on a not so deep level I felt ashamed and ugly because I would never be enough to satisfy anyone by being just the way I am.
Food is just one way that we self-medicate to avoid deep feelings of inferiority. Being defiant, doing drugs, becoming a workaholic, excessive spending, gambling, risky sex etc.... are all symptoms of trying to fill the lonely hole.
The lonely hole feels like a lack of recognition, validation, and acceptance from family, peers, lovers and community. It’s the idea that if somehow we could just try a little harder, we could make our escape from our lack of self-knowledge and awareness all better. Inevitably we can never measure up to societal expectations and without self-reflection, ultimately we revert back to the destructive patterns and escapist behaviour that we have developed.
The TRUTH about filling the lonely hole is that it can not be filled by addiction, by blaming those who wronged us, or even by the most perfect partner and friends. It is a place deep inside each of us that can only be filled by proving to ourselves that we are enough for ourselves just as we are.
Learning to love our own company is neither narcissistic nor is it pathetic. Being pathetic and /or narcissistic implies a lack of empathy and self-esteem. Instead, we develop our appreciation for ourselves by accepting our weaknesses and sharing our vulnerability with those who can make us feel safe and teach us. When we accept the challenge to ourselves and change our self-doubts by turning them into strengths, we gain natural self-esteem.
By sharing what we have learned we are neither arrogant nor self-centered. Great leaders and true teachers teach by sharing what we have to learn most through overcoming our own tragic life experiences and then teach through positive examples and encouragement.
This act of Knowing, Accepting, Unveiling and Refining/Releasing our inner power is truly Sexy Brilliant!
To learn more about how to add inner validation for FREE please check out the Sexy Brilliant Awards based on the K.A.U.R. ™ process.
We hope this message is received in gratitude, love, and mutual respect. Thank you for reading.
@TheDevinaKaur and Team Devina Kaur