Lately I find myself feeling more depressed, just stuck in this confusing matrix that Covid-19 has made even more scary. On top of that I just came back from one month of intense meditation and self-study at the Yoga Ashram and adjusting to the return to my real daily life has been a challenge.
At one point, I was experiencing very dark thoughts, including the consideration of suicide. It wasn’t so much about ending my life, but wanting to kill the pain I felt within me so badly that I considered ending my life in the process. Instead of entertaining these dark thoughts, the rational step I chose to take was to call my therapist, Dr. Jennie and we had a much needed session.
Here is a crucial part of our conversation:
DK: “Earlier today I wanted to kill myself. I hated what I did".
Dr J: “So what did you end up doing?”
DK: “I recognized what I was going through, so I had a big meal, gave thanks to myself, and cried myself to sleep.”
Dr J: “That’s a good girl, Devina. I hope you can recognize that you only wanted to kill the part of yourself that you did not like and not all of yourself.”
This session with Dr. Jennie proved to be the most therapeutic of all my sessions with her. Earlier in the week, I had made a mistake and I wasn’t proud of what I did. What I did not like about myself in that moment when I was going through all these dark thoughts, included how unkind I was, how I had hated myself and above that, I was so ashamed of what I had done that I wanted to end my pain. IT. WAS. SO. BAD. My gosh, how can someone like me who has everything going in her life even want to consider killing herself even if it was for a human mistake?
Where do all these thoughts even come from? Are they old memories? Is this part of our subconscious mind?
Frankly, I don't know about the answer to the ‘why’ questions anymore. All I want to do is heal all the parts of me that hurt so bad.
There is no way that I actually do want to end my life, and neither should you, but honouring all the emotions, including the darkest ones like self-harm thoughts brings so much more equilibrium to life and understanding where we are and what we need to heal and find ourselves again.
I encourage everyone reading this to use these 3 steps when dealing with darkness and depression:
Recognize your feelings and acknowledge each thought - emotions are never right or wrong, they simply exist.
Separate yourself from all your emotions, especially the dark ones because they are not who you are entirely, but rather a very small part of you.
Seek help. It makes life a little easier to deal with when you have a support system of friends, professionals, family, even acquaintances to share your story - each one of them can offer you valuable perspective, helping you to heal and truly come into your own inner power.
Remember no part of you is your own enemy including the self-harm thoughts.
When we know who we are, and practice radical self-acceptance of all parts of ourselves, we can then live in awareness of what it is that makes us feel whole and complete again, we gain spiritual confidence and inner wealth.
Much love always,
And Team #SexyBrilliant
Written by Devina Kaur
Edited by Jade Africa and Stephanie Lariviere of Team #DevinaKaur
PS- Want to gain more confidence? Read a chapter of Devina Kaur's first book for FREE